I (39F) was recognized with ASD in mid 2024. The method was neither straightforward nor low-cost, however I’ve the prognosis in hand now. I really feel validated and extra snug with my private id now. I don’t typically cover that I’ve ASD, however I additionally don’t exit of my technique to announce it.
I work as a librarian at a small college. Since I began in my position a couple of years in the past, I’ve had a troublesome time determining my relationship with my director, L. Someday she is going to criticize my information of librarianship. The subsequent day she will likely be downright jovial, coming to me to casually chat about our work. Then for the subsequent a number of days she is going to shut herself up in her workplace and never be open dialog of any sort. I take into account myself fortunate if I get a lot as a bland greeting these days. The opposite librarian, B, completely despises L, a sense which seems to be mutual.
Throughout my first 12 months, I barely seen these patterns past the truth that L had no real interest in coaching me and little urge for food to converse with me. I’m hardly a social butterfly myself, so I believed nothing of it. On top of that, I used to be the primary individual employed at my establishment to fill this position. Whereas I had executed related duties in my earlier jobs, this one had much more tasks and stress to satisfy metrics. However I used to be quickly capable of breathe sufficient to concentrate to issues past my core duties. I discovered the division ambiance more and more untenable as I might go days with out chatting with anybody, be all of a sudden reprimanded for stepping out of boundaries I used to be by no means conscious of, after which virtually instantly praised for my nice work. I didn’t know the place I stood given the combined messages and had nobody to speak to about it. B would solely badmouth L, and I had grown very cautious about talking with L myself.
Along with that, I used to be given an workplace that shares a wall with the extraordinarily loud electrical transformer for the constructing. One of the best analogy I can consider is being in that workplace is like sitting in an idling automotive for hours. A couple of minutes isn’t unhealthy, however being there for hours is just exhausting. Once more, I used to be just too preoccupied after I first began to fret about one thing like that. However my consciousness elevated as I grew to become much less targeted on creating my position.
These two points left me feeling mentally and emotionally drained each single day by the point I got here dwelling. Not realizing what to do, I stewed in my ideas till I simply…went to HR sooner or later. It was very spontaneous, however I did my greatest to elucidate the whole lot. I believed the dialog, and those who got here after, went effectively.
It didn’t go effectively. Since then, HR has despatched three comply with up memos to me. They embrace language minimizing the problems I introduced, accusing me of unprofessional issues I completely didn’t do, and questioning my skill to do my job efficiently. They got here throughout as patronizing, accusatory, and disbelieving of my incapacity. Regardless of this, L has been considerably extra open to talking with me since then, offering me with extra constant communication. Upkeep has improved my workplace in small ways in which, whereas it doesn’t remove the noise, have helped quite a bit total.
Looking back, I really feel like I ought to have executed one thing otherwise. However I’m undecided what that may have been. Talking with my division head wouldn’t have modified her conduct, and she or he has made it clear to me prior to now that talking with another administrator could be overstepping. My response to my workplace noise seemingly appeared sudden, however I couldn’t consider a technique to convey it up after this a few years with out citing my ASD. Frankly, I shouldn’t have introduced my incapacity into it in any respect, since I might have simply introduced my points up with out it. I assume on the time I figured that may be the almost definitely means for individuals to take me severely.
Now the cat’s out of the bag. HR should suppose I’m an irresponsible, probably-not-really-autistic unfastened cannon. And all of that is popping out on the similar time it’s turning into more and more scary to be 1) a librarian, 2) working in a college, 3) with ASD within the USA. I’m completely terrified that my establishment might want to shut attributable to funds cuts or I’ll simply flat out lose my job if the federal administration begins going after individuals with ASD. The college may resolve to take away legal responsibility whereas additionally saving cash when that occurs by letting me go. My expertise are 95% educational, and I don’t know easy methods to discover a job outdoors of academia. These ideas fill me with true existential dread. How can I repair this? How scared ought to I be?
Thanks on your time and consideration. Any advise could be appreciated.