A reader writes:
I work in a division of 9 folks. All of us get alongside effectively, however I’m combating the best way to deal with my frustrations with my colleague, Margo. Margo is presumably essentially the most well-intentioned particular person I’ve ever met, however she has the infuriating behavior of bringing each dialog again to herself to clarify how she understands or has been by means of the identical factor.
This week, the transmission in my automotive died. Once I was lamenting to the group that I used to be now going through the monetary hardship of both repairing it or shopping for a brand new automotive, Margo instructed me, “I get it. I simply had to purchase model new tires for my automotive.”
A month in the past, a colleague’s father handed away and Margo instructed her, “I’m sorry. I do know simply how you’re feeling. My dad had Covid final 12 months.” He had a gentle case and recovered rapidly.
When a colleague was coping with ache associated to her most cancers remedies, Margo expressed her concern after which shared that she completely acquired it as a result of she has foot issues.
The dad and mom within the group strive to not speak an excessive amount of about our youngsters as a result of not everybody within the division is a father or mother, however when the topic comes up, Margo is aware of precisely what we’re going by means of as a result of she has a nephew … who lives on the opposite aspect of the nation.
Margo really doesn’t imply hurt with these statements however the best way she minimizes others’ ordeals by evaluating them to her personal is irritating. Is there a method to politely let her know that merely saying she’s sorry is preferable to bringing all the pieces again to herself?
I might like to know whether or not Margo is attempting to one-up folks — or a minimum of equate her struggles to their very own — or whether or not she’s really attempting to empathize and simply doing a horrible job of it.
Both means, that is the form of suggestions a supervisor is greatest positioned to handle.
That doesn’t imply you’ll be able to’t strive it your self, however as not her supervisor you may be higher off simply addressing it within the second when it’s notably egregious. If she compares a stubbed toe to a coworker having most cancers remedies, there’s no cause you’ll be able to’t say, “I don’t assume these are actually comparable.”
Additionally, you probably have a fairly good rapport along with her, you would possibly be capable of take her apart privately and say one thing like, “I do know you didn’t imply it this manner, nevertheless it sounded such as you had been evaluating your stubbed toe to Jane’s most cancers, and a few days in the past you in contrast a father or mother with a gentle case of Covid to Falcon’s father or mother who died. I do know you didn’t imply to reduce both scenario, however I don’t assume these feedback are touchdown the best way you meant. I needed to say it since I do know you’d by no means need to damage somebody’s emotions.”
Will it work? Possibly, possibly not. In the event you say the above and nothing adjustments, you in all probability simply have to determine that that is what Margo does and internally roll your eyes when it occurs (or hell, bluntly reply “not the identical factor!” while you’re impressed to). But it surely’s price a shot, and if she’s actually as well-intentioned as you say, she would possibly be pleased about the heads-up.