A reader writes:
I’m a volunteer for an after-school program for top schoolers focused on my occupation (just like, say, a robotics workforce). I’m a lady in my mid-20s, and one of many youngsters is a 16-year-old boy we’ll name Marvin. Marvin is a really brilliant and hardworking child who excels academically (AP courses, honor society) and works at a quick meals place. He’s additionally what some would name a “nerdy outcast” and solely has just a few acquaintances his personal age. He will get alongside significantly better with lecturers than different college students, and I’m no exception. I used to be precisely like him after I was his age and remembered the deep relationships I had with my lecturers, so I’ve steadily turn into his de facto mentor. We speak about club-related issues, however he additionally vents to me about his troubles and info-dumps about his hobbies and pursuits (a few of which I share).
Once I arrived house someday, I opened my bag to discover a field and a crimson envelope. Sadly, Marvin had left me a Hallmark card with a long-winded confession of emotions for me, and within the field was a hoop with a diamond look-alike. The following time I noticed him, I pulled him apart out of view from the others, and I gently advised him that whereas I used to be flattered, as an grownup, it wouldn’t be applicable for me to be his girlfriend, though I’m very grateful to have him as a pupil. I requested how a lot he paid for the ring, and he stated that he had purchased it at a pawn store for $500 together with his personal cash from his job. I advised him that sometime, there could be a lady his personal age who would admire the thought, however that he ought to return it. I gave him again the ring and the cardboard, and though he was clearly sullen, he gave me a quiet “sorry” and returned to work with the others.
Just a few days handed earlier than the trainer who runs the volunteer group scheduled a gathering with me and Marvin’s dad and mom. His dad and mom had found the withdrawn $500 from Marvin’s checking account, and so they had discovered the cardboard and receipt from the pawn store in his room. After questioning him, he confessed that he had given them to me and that I had rejected him. His dad and mom went to the trainer to ask if he knew about this, and so they scheduled the assembly to ask me. I confirmed to them precisely what had occurred, and each the dad and mom and trainer have been mad that I didn’t inform them.
I stated that I didn’t inform them as a result of I trusted Marvin to take the rejection with grace since he was extra mature than the opposite college students, which I felt he did. I additionally stated that I figured the rejection could be sufficient of a lesson for him, and that letting anybody else find out about it might be needlessly humiliating, particularly for child like him. The $500 was confirmed to be his personal cash, too, so all of the monetary penalties have been his personal to take care of with out further judgment wanted from others. The trainer and fogeys appeared to take difficulty with my response, and after the dad and mom left, the trainer advised me that he must schedule a separate assembly to debate my standing as a volunteer.
I used to be fully stunned by their responses and left speechless by the trainer’s point out of my standing. I by no means had a problem with the trainer earlier than this. Marvin had admitted to his dad and mom himself that I had rejected him, however the dad and mom and trainer acted like this was one thing I had inspired for nefarious causes. Marvin is simply an odd one out within the merciless Mad Max thunderdome that’s highschool, so something social is frightening. I used to be simply making an attempt to make it simpler for him. This may most likely flip into a type of embarrassing recollections that retains Marvin up at evening in 10 years, so I didn’t wish to rub salt on his wound. Did I do one thing fallacious?
With the caveat that I don’t work in schooling and so am answering this as somebody exterior the sector (however who has been licensed to work with teenagers): sure, I believe it is best to have proactively reported what occurred to the trainer who manages you as a volunteer, in your personal safety.
Youngsters don’t at all times deal with rejection with grace — hell, loads of adults don’t deal with rejection with grace — and as an grownup trusted to work with youngsters, it’s essential to ensure stuff like that is documented someplace in case there’s any query later about what occurred.
I do admire your want to guard Marvin’s privateness and 100% consider you acted with the very best of intentions … however once more, grownup / child / rejection — there’s simply an excessive amount of danger for one thing to get misunderstood or advised in another way later. That may get extra intuitive should you swap the genders and take into consideration whether or not you’d inform an grownup man to maintain a pupil’s advances secret. Conserving it secret would possibly really feel respectful to the coed, however there’s an excessive amount of danger to that. (An instance of that out of your letter: “the dad and mom and trainer acted like this was one thing I had inspired for nefarious causes.”)
The $500 is an added complication, as a result of that’s some huge cash (for anybody, however particularly for a young person). You have been proper to inform him to return the ring, however the worth is one other issue elevating the stakes and pushing the state of affairs previous one thing it is best to deal with by yourself.
Ideally you’d have talked to the trainer who oversees you, shared what occurred, defined your want to not embarrass Marvin any additional, and requested about insurance policies or greatest practices for dealing with the state of affairs. Not looping within the group you’re working for is the place you went fallacious.
For what it’s value, the group you’re volunteering for can be guilty in the event that they didn’t provide you with coaching that lined the kinds of issues it is best to report and never try and deal with by yourself. Exterior adults shouldn’t be thrown along with youngsters with out some fairly intensive coaching about issues that must be reported and the bounds of confidentiality, so the group can be within the fallacious for leaving you unprepared after which blaming you once you didn’t get it fairly proper.