A reader writes:
I’ve a senior position in a big structure and engineering firm, and my companion is an educational. I typically ask him for recommendation on how one can deal with a thorny downside at work and sometimes ask him to learn one thing I’ve written. My companion, alternatively, often asks for my assist in core points of his job — placing collectively a spreadsheet to prepare marking for programs, fixing up formatting on PowerPoint slides, shortening grant functions to satisfy word-count necessities, drafting delicate emails, and so forth. My companion additionally usually talks by way of concepts for papers, which I actually like doing.
For a few of these duties, I’m higher on the software program and might do them rather more rapidly, whereas for others my companion is asking for my assist as a result of he’s slammed with work or has a good deadline or wants one other pair of palms and is aware of I’ll do a very good job.
On the one hand, it appears like companions in a wedding ought to assist one another when wanted however alternatively, typically it appears like I’m doing the work for my companion, when I’ve my very own demanding job to do. So my query is, what’s the vary of “regular” inside relationships for a way a lot spouses assist one another with their jobs?
The best way you’re doing it — asking for recommendation on how one can deal with a thorny downside or to learn over one thing you’ve written — is typical and fantastic. The best way your companion is doing it — asking you to truly carry out items of his job — isn’t.
A few of it’s the cumulative impact. It wouldn’t be a giant deal if he requested you as soon as for assist fixing the formatting on a PowerPoint. However when he’s often asking you to do what’s basically admin help, that crosses a line. You’re not his administrative assistant, and if he wants that form of assist, that’s an issue for his office to resolve, not a burden he ought to anticipate you to tackle. It’s positively not acceptable to show to you as a result of he’s busy and “wants one other pair of palms.” That’s work. That’s one thing his employer is paying him for, not you, and possibly they should pay somebody who isn’t him but it surely ought to go to an worker, not a supportive companion who’s prepared to do it without spending a dime.
Furthermore, in lots of jobs, there can be huge confidentiality issues with giving a non-employee entry to these sorts of supplies.
You aren’t an “additional pair of palms” on your companion’s employer. You generally is a sounding board and somebody he can brainstorm with. You shouldn’t be doing his precise work.