A reader writes:
This isn’t for my job, however it’s for a nonprofit group associated to my profession that includes some stage of professionalism. I’m afraid that I scared off a brand new member by approaching too robust to her.
I volunteer at a STEM-related group that mentors youngsters. My place is on the state stage, and a brand new individual simply joined on the group stage. I met her for the primary time at an everyday group assembly.
I’ll admit, I’m actually drawn to her, however I nonetheless needed to get to know her no matter whether or not or not she’s . She’s the one different girl I do know who’s in my subject with among the similar pursuits I’ve, and he or she’s extremely pushed and good. However I solely acquired to see her for an hour, so I had no actual probability to get to know her.
She put her quantity into my telephone, and once I texted my title to her, it confirmed up on her display. Listed here are the texts I’ve despatched her since:
[Day we met, T+0]
[STEM-related meme]
Hey simply needed to say it was nice assembly you tonight 🙂Have you ever been to Teapot Museum by any probability?
[T+1]
The one by [location]?[T+3]
Hey! Can I name you someday right now? As a result of there have been some new insurance policies that Group desires to implement that I’m fearful may have an effect on what you wish to educate at Teapot Group.[T+6]
Hello! Simply needed to let you recognize that Cool Teapot Occasion is occurring on [date] that the children would possibly wish to find out about!All these textual content messages have been labeled as “delivered” till T+8, after they all went to “learn.” She didn’t reply to any of them.
I had additionally discovered her on LinkedIn and despatched a (nonetheless pending) request on T+9 (I haven’t finished this with different members). On T+10, I invited her to a month-to-month Groups assembly that I schedule for our group, and he or she nonetheless hasn’t despatched an RSVP. On T+12, I known as and left a voicemail about future classes. I’m penning this letter to you on T+14.
I didn’t assume a lot of it at first as a result of she has a job and a grasp’s program that she’s most likely busy with, however to not reply to any of my makes an attempt to achieve out? And though none of those are pressing, every thing I despatched her is expounded to our group. Why wouldn’t she have replied sooner or later? (At this level, I’m additionally fearful that she may not reply if there *is* one thing pressing.) I can perceive forgetting to textual content again, however there have been a number of possibilities to work together. To not point out that our group’s state convention is subsequent month, and I don’t know if she is aware of about it. (On her finish, it’s a possibility for her to fulfill different members and be taught issues in regards to the group, but additionally an opportunity for me to hang around along with her once more.)
Did I scare her off? Can I nonetheless attain out to her?
Nooooo, don’t attain out to her once more! That is manner an excessive amount of contact when it’s not being returned.
Actually, it is best to have stopped after the second textual content (the one asking if she’d been to the museum). At that time issues have been in her court docket, and persevering with to contact her was a lot too pushy.
There are every kind of explanation why she may not have responded. Possibly she’s actually busy with different issues in her life. Possibly she’s not a giant texter. Possibly she meant to reply initially however forgot, after which acquired delay by what number of texts collected after that. Possibly she picked up in your curiosity and doesn’t return it and didn’t wish to interact for that motive. Possibly she thought, “Whoa, I simply attended one assembly of this group to test it out and now I’m being inundated by an quantity of contact I didn’t join and which is disproportionate to my stage of involvement.”
What’s most fascinating to me about your letter is that you’ve reached out to her eight separate instances (!) with none response from her with out realizing you wanted to cease, and also you’re nonetheless contemplating reaching out once more! If the roles have been reversed — let’s say you went to a gathering of knowledgeable group and somebody you met there texted you six separate instances over 10 days with none response from you, then tried to attach on LinkedIn, then left you a voicemail, wouldn’t that really feel awfully aggressive and crowding? Like that was a stage of funding from them that wasn’t warranted by the present (minimal) relationship?
I’m sorry to say, there’s a fairly excessive probability you could have scared her off from the group (or, effectively, from you). You undoubtedly shouldn’t contact her once more. You don’t want to tell her in regards to the state convention subsequent month. If there’s something pressing that she should be contacted about, another person from the group ought to do it, not you (though I’m skeptical that can come up since she has solely ever attended a single assembly and will not even stay concerned).
You talked about seeing the state convention as an opportunity to hang around along with her once more, however at this level it is best to assume that received’t occur … and if she does present up there or to a different assembly (the possibilities of which can be fairly low now), the solely factor it is best to do is to provide her a considerable amount of area. Don’t strategy her, and don’t exit of your method to attempt to discuss to her. Don’t freeze her out both, since it should make issues much more uncomfortable if you appear to be you’re upset; smile and say good day when you encounter her, however then depart her alone, to reveal that she doesn’t want to fret about you persevering with to crowd her.
If by some probability she is all in favour of attending to know you higher (let’s say she was in a coma by means of all these messages and was delighted to search out them when she awoke), your curiosity in attending to know her has already been made clear and she will be able to strategy you. However until that occurs, you actually, actually need to go away her alone to any extent further.