A reader writes:
I (a lady in my early 30s) work in a historically male surroundings, though there are a good quantity of ladies working there too. Lately my work has began focusing extra on menopause assist/consciousness — there’s a menopause assist group, “recognizing indicators and signs” posters within the ladies’s bathrooms, and so on. I feel that’s nice.
My supervisor has been making feedback about menopause that basically, actually trouble me. Issues like, “Effectively, I higher write that down as a result of as a lady of a sure age, if I don’t I’ll overlook it” or “I should have forgotten to try this — it comes with the menopause,” and so forth. She makes these feedback in conferences with women and men current, and simply in public across the workplace.
I really feel like she’s principally saying that she’s much less capable of do her job as a result of she’s a lady. It provides license to males who hear it to make comparable feedback/assumptions about different ladies of her age group (who received’t all be experiencing the identical points she is), and I really feel like I’ve to work tougher to show myself, too. I feel that form of remark ought to keep within the assist group, and never be introduced up so publicly. If it’s impacting her work, she may want to speak to her supervisor about it, however there’s no must make the feedback in conferences when she might simply write no matter it’s down and say nothing. Youthful ladies in my office don’t blame their points on their intervals, they cope with it and transfer on.
I’m not asking if I ought to say something to her about this, I’ve completely no intention of doing so. I’m simply questioning if I’m off the mark? I’ve clearly not skilled menopause, however I can think about that it’s irritating to all of a sudden battle with one thing that you just was positive with, and wanting to clarify why. I wouldn’t usually assume somebody wanted to maintain a well being problem secret at work until they wished to, nevertheless it’s the broadness of what she’s saying — “all menopausal ladies/ladies my age” — that bothers me a lot.
However then on the identical time, I’ve male colleagues who’ve made comparable “all males of my age” feedback about being forgetful, and it’s not bothered me in any respect or made me have a look at different males as much less capable of do their jobs. So is it actually truthful of me to be holding her to a unique commonplace as a result of she’s a lady?
You’re extra bothered by your boss’s feedback than by the boys’s feedback as a result of hers come towards a backdrop of ladies already being discriminated towards at work and having to work tougher to be taken severely, in addition to a protracted historical past of ladies being dismissed as overly managed by their our bodies. That modifications the way in which it lands.
It’s additionally true that age discrimination is a factor, and your male coworkers’ feedback about themselves are touchdown towards that backdrop … however I believe that isn’t hitting you in the identical method as a result of, as a gaggle, males have some built-in societal protections that ladies lack.
It’s additionally true that individuals ought to have the ability to speak about what they’re experiencing, and in concept it’s factor for individuals to really feel comfy speaking about challenges related to well being or growing older or all types of different issues. However realistically, we aren’t there but; there’s nonetheless stigma and bias related to plenty of well being situations (from ADHD to psychological well being and on and on) that usually makes it safer to not share them at work. And it actually doesn’t really feel like we’re in a cultural second the place that’s about to get higher.
A part of the issue, too, is that your boss is speaking about her expertise with menopause as a common expertise for all ladies of a sure age. It’s like should you had been each parenting younger kids and he or she stored writing off her forgetfulness as “I should have forgotten to try this — it comes with being a mother.” You’d rightly not recognize how that mirrored on fellow mothers, who already face bias within the work world.
So, no, I don’t assume you’re off the mark in feeling uncomfortable together with your boss’s feedback. However I additionally assume that’s very a lot in regards to the tradition we reside in: it’s not that she’s doing one thing inherently unsuitable; it’s that we reside in a sexist tradition the place ladies have to fret about this.