A reader writes:
I’ve been the direct supervisor of Bob since 2022, however I used to be additionally beforehand his supervisor in one other place, I’ve labored with him in some capability for nearly 10 years. In some ways, he has been my closest pal at work: we work collectively on many initiatives and I usually discuss to him about issues occurring exterior of labor and in different relationships.
Not too long ago, my finest pal, Lori, a psychiatrist, determined to unload an inventory of grievances on me and in a heated second mentioned, “Bob informed me that you just weren’t supportive of me!” The factor is, so far as I knew, Lori and Bob had by no means met. I used to be shocked and requested how she knew him. Seems she was his psychiatrist for years, together with after he determined to return work with me in 2022. Apparently she inspired him to discover a new physician at the moment however he didn’t wish to, so she saved him on. I really feel that was a battle of curiosity.
I really feel so betrayed on this scenario. There are such a lot of situations the place I’ve mentioned one thing to both of them in regards to the different, and neither of them ever informed me. I really feel like they had been voyeurs in one another’s lives via me. Additionally, Lori telling me is a transparent HIPAA violation, so now I’m caught holding her secret as a result of as offended as I’m (I’m contemplating ending the friendship), I don’t wish to destroy her profession.
I’m caught working with Bob. He’s realizing that I’m pulling again, however I haven’t mentioned why. My plan is that if it comes up, I’ll say that I’ve “determined to have very robust boundaries at work,” however the entire thing feels horrible, bizarre, and isolating.
Ought to I inform my boss or HR? I’m fearful that this may spill out someplace sooner or later, not via me however possibly via Bob or Lori (neither has demonstrated nice decision-making abilities), and it’ll come again to hang-out me. Any recommendation you can provide is useful. I really feel caught and alone on this secret.
Whoa, Lori actually tousled right here. Bob too to a point, however Lori had each an expert obligation and a private one to inform Bob she couldn’t deal with him anymore and refer him to another person.
Bob erred too, however far, far much less so. When Lori first informed him it could be a battle of curiosity to proceed to deal with him, he ought to have revered that and realized that speaking candidly about his boss (a very regular factor to wish to do in remedy) wouldn’t be applicable to do with mentioned boss’s finest pal and that — as Lori mentioned — he wanted to hunt a brand new therapist.
However Lori! Lori violated the very clear ethics of her occupation, and the very clear boundaries of best-friendship. Bob doesn’t have almost the identical obligations towards you as his supervisor as Lori has towards you as her shut pal and towards Bob as his therapist. 90% of this, possibly extra, is on Lori.
As for what to do … even other than this case, it’s a good suggestion to have higher boundaries with Bob. Somebody who works for you may’t be a detailed pal, as a result of the ability dynamics within the relationship stop the connection from being an equal one (amongst different causes, all described right here). So sure to establishing extra distant boundaries (nonetheless pally, simply not mates) — however that’s not due to who Bob’s therapist is, it’s due to who Bob’s boss is.
It’s best to most likely let your personal boss or HR know in regards to the scenario. It’s not an absolute crucial except you’re involved you could’t handle Bob pretty or objectively anymore (during which case you’d have an obligation to reveal that and ask for a change within the reporting set-up) but when there’s any threat that it is going to be perceived that means sooner or later, it’s in everybody’s curiosity so that you can disclose the scenario and get forward of it.
I’m sorry this occurred. It’s a significant betrayal by a pal and, on her facet, of a affected person.